A Waitresses’ Instructions on Tipping
or Get the Cash Up and Don’t Waste My Time

Twenty percent minimum as long as the waitress doesn’t inflict bodily harm.
If you’re two people at a four top, tip extra.
If you sit a long time, pay rent.
Double tips for special orders.
Always tip extra when using coupons.
Better yet, don’t use coupons.
Never leave change instead of bills, no pennies.
Never hide a tip for fun.
Overtip, then tip some more.
Remember, I am somebody’s mother or daughter.
No separate piles of change for large parties.
If people in your party don’t show up, tip for them.
Don’t wait around for gratitude.
Take a risk. Don’t adjust your tip so your credit card total is even.
Don’t ever, ever pull out a tipping guide in public.
If you leave 10% or less, eat at home.
If I call a taxi for you, tip me.
If I hang up your coat for you, tip me.
If I get cigarettes for you, tip me.
Better yet, do it yourself.
Don’t fold a bill and hand it to me like you’re a big shot.
Don’t say, There’s a big tip in it for you if...
Don’t say, I want to make sure you get this, like a busboy would steal it.
Don’t say, Here, honey, this is for you—ever.
If you buy a $50 bottle of wine, pull out a ten.
If I serve you one cocktail, don’t hand me 35¢.
If you’re just having coffee, leave a five.

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Listen to a reading of the poem.